“You’re
fucked!”
My
friend Shaun is standing beside me in the weight room, and we are both staring
at ourselves in the large mirror on the wall.
Behind us are all sorts of weight equipment, benches and
treadmills. Shaun is pumping 40-pound
weights while I am struggling with 20 pounds, wondering why I am not using my
normal 15s.
“You
are totally and royally fucked,” Shaun says with an added “umph,” lifting one
of the barbells to his chest. Shaun is a
little wisp of a guy who I used to run with back in our thirties. Later in our sixties we met at the same gym by
chance and he has been advising me on my running ever since.
“I
know. I know.” I say. Yes, I know this all the way down to
the pit of my stomach. For the past year
I have been preparing for the New York City Marathon, the second in my goal of
running the six major marathons of the world, but I am struggling with the
realities of what is about to unfold. Now
Shaun knows it too.
In
truth, the New York City Marathon is self-inflicted torture of physical fatigue
and psychological madness: twenty-six miles across an ocean of mean streets, dirty brick
buildings, metal bridges and anonymous residential high rises showcasing a city I don’t
even like just to get to an island called Central Park where I’ll probably get
mugged soon after crossing the finish line.
It dawned on me at the gym that this feat represents nothing more than
a fleeting dream for dotting fools and fading dandies, especially now,
especially here, especially me.
To
be clear, I ran twenty-two miles a few weeks back in preparing for the marathon,
but later failed miserably in my attempt to run twenty-four. My excuse: the day was too hot, my feet hurt
too much, and, to be honest, I just wasn’t into it mentally, not after spending
the weekend with my wife and friends at Myrtle Beach. Now, this week is the race itself. There’s no way. I am fucked.
Still,
the feeling, like a gleam of excitement inside me, has begun. Like I know.
I know. Someone once said to me,
life is composed of exciting moments; well, if that is the case, a new memory
is gurgling within. When my wife
Karen and I were driving home from the beach, I first felt it bubble inside me:
a tinge of anxiousness – the thrill of the unknown, I guess – that or was it a rumbling
of debauchery?
I
look to Shaun and manage a slight smile in the mirror holding the weights at my
side. Shaun, with his sandy blonde hair
and muscled arms is laughing at me. “You
fool, what are you thinking?” he asks.
“I’m
fucked.” I reply, lifting my weights. “I fucked up.”
Here’s
the situation. Over the weekend, my wife Karen and I went with some friends to Myrtle Beach to enjoy
their company and to celebrate, in part, our 27th wedding
anniversary. This is a good thing. I want to keep my wife happy and we like our
friends, except one or two. The bad thing is I used the occasion to become
a wanton fiend. I wholeheartedly ate everything
crappy I could find and I topped it off by drinking way too much throughout
the weekend and getting way too drunk Saturday night and didn’t once workout in
the exercise room while staying at our ocean side hotel nor take the
opportunity to run along the beach. Not
once did I get my act together, as someone in training would do, in spite of
the deadline looming ahead, the trial by fire, the burning sea of New York
City.
At
one point my wife looked at me in horror when she realized I drank a bottle of
wine by myself in a restaurant that Saturday night; she grabbed my arm when I went to order a second bottle; it was like I had returned, once again, to haunt her and our friends with my crazy
antics, like she knew I would find myself, once more, sleeping against a hotel
toilet for comfort later that night.
Lost was the sixty-one year-old marathon-training, devoted husband and
stable friend, gone was the amateur athlete entered in a serious and significant
marathon that easily could kill him if he wasn’t ready, negated was the tedious
summer of steady recovery from a tear in my upper hamstring tendon. Yes, on Sunday, when I returned home from the
beach, the anxious thrill of the approaching marathon bubbled up from the pit of my
stomach, but so too a massive headache throbbed
against my eyes and six pounds of additional gluttony sagged over my belt.
“Everyone
I know,” Shaun says, pausing in his routine to be sure he has my
attention.
I look over in the mirror at
Shaun and nod my head.
Shaun is telling
me his same old story so I lift the heavy barbell in my left hand as if to say,
okay, okay, I’m with you, keep going, and Shaun continues, “I mean everyone, all
of my friends, everyone – everyone who has run a marathon after the age of
sixty has had a heart attack." he says finally. "I mean
everyone.“
Shaun
has told me this before. I nod my head
in agreement. Shaun must be in his early
fifties. I wonder how many friends he
has, like me, who are in their sixties.
I am barely in my sixties and none of my friends, other than Shaun, have
had heart attacks. Of course, my wife
would say, given I have managed to alienate all of my friends, and other than
Shaun, who I bump into now and again, and a few other buddies I see at the gym,
though I don’t know their names, technically I don’t have any friends at all. She would point out that comparing myself to
other old guys in the weight room is not a good barometer of heart
attacks, and no one in the weight room from what I can see has the letter “A”
tattooed on their chests.
Shaun’s
my authority on heart attacks. When I
retired from running back in my forties, Shaun went on to climb mountains in
Europe. Not the ones that get all the
attention, he told me once, but all of the rest. The last time he went Euro-mountaineering a
few years ago, he came home and had a massive heart attack while doing
something stupid like sleeping, or watching tv, or cleaning out his garage. Now he is an expert on heart attacks, as well
as the mountains of Europe, and swears that oils, like peanut butter, olive oil, and
caster oil, led to his cardio catastrophe.
“Everyone
but you.” he adds, just to re-emphasize his point and to get me prepared for the
road ahead. “Everyone but you.”
Death
awaits me.
“What
I don’t get,” he goes on, “is why the hell were you at Myrtle Beach?”
This
speaks volumes about my will power, determination and dedication going down the
final stretch. What the hell was I doing
at Myrtle Beach a week before the New York City Marathon?
“I
don’t know.” I smile weakly at Shaun. “My wife is trying to kill me.”
Why
else would she even suggest such an idea for our anniversary? She knows I have no will power and would use
the occasion to escape from reality.
I
don’t even like Myrtle Beach. My friends
from North Carolina all spoke so highly of the resort town, and, it turns out,
no matter whom I asked, every one growing up in North Carolina experienced
Myrtle Beach as the key destination of their summer childhoods. Their families never drove to the Outer Banks
or other destinations along the North Carolina coast, the small towns dominated by protected nature
reserves, open sandy beaches, and single family homes, which, my friends said,
were boring as hell, but always to Myrtle Beach with it’s mammoth Ferris wheel and board walk
and arcade and tons of fun things to do at night as kids or with their families
in the shopping centers surrounding the town.
What
I saw was a tiny beach pressed by large hotels and high-rise condominiums,
packed tight against each other and dominating the oceanfront. Myrtle Beach was nothing but a box store for
the masses, and I realized we were spending our anniversary being part of the millions
in the cookie-cutter hotels overlooking the metallic gray ocean, staring down
from our dirty balcony at thousands of fat vacationers stuffed into rickety folding
chairs under faded flamingo umbrellas.
Maybe this was my excuse: I was depressed. The width and breath of huge hotels huddled
together against the beach, the endless parking lots backing up the hotels,
filling in the empty spaces of the city between the row of high rises and the worn out hopping centers hustling
entertainment packaged for the millions, like cesspools stretched out into the South Carolina marshland.
“Fucking
Myrtle Beach,” I add, grimacing at Shaun.
“and too much fucking wine.”
A
week from the race and, as Shaun can see from the twitch in
my face every time he mentions the words “New York City Marathon,” I am in
trouble. My wife, daughter and I leave
in two days to drive to the
city and nowhere on our schedule is there time for last-minute training. It is too late for me to do anything but
commiserate with Shaun one last time in the gym on the follies of man, the
downfall of good men gone bad, and the prevalence of heart attacks in
sixty-year-old marathoners.
In
spite of the fact that I am not nearly in the shape I was in a year ago,
heavier by ten to fifteen pounds, conditioning not close to as complete as last
fall, slower by more than a minute in my runs, and not nearly as tough as I
need to be – in spite of all of this, the marathon will go on and I will be in
it, a bobbing head slowly sinking below the surface in an ocean of 55,000
runners.
“Hey,
look at it this way,” Shaun says, putting his barbells onto the rack. He moves to the doorway of the weight room,
getting ready to go home. “If you have a
heart attack, New York City has some of the best hospitals in the world.”
Great,”
I say, “if the cost of the hospitals are anything like the hotel on Myrtle
Beach, I’ll be bankrupt in a week.”
What
I don’t say, staring at myself in the mirror, is that, just maybe, this is the
real me coming to the marathon party, the actual me finally showing up for the boogaloo-down-Broadway. Me: the sixty-one-year-old dude who runs
weekends and struggles daily to keep his weight down, the good old boy who
gives up training every time to wine and dine with family and friends no matter
where he is or what lies ahead. No, I am
not the invincible warrior who ran the Chicago Marathon last year at a trim 175
pounds, the Thor-like god who completed the 26.2-mile course more than a
half-an-hour faster then when I was in my thirties. No, in truth, I am the station wagon washout
from North Carolina who chose to churn up the surf at Myrtle Beach; I am the
sad guy who simply wants to complete the race without sinking like a stone and
drowning in wave after wave of humanity for the world to see on national tv.
****
